Choosing to Stand

I suppose at the heart of every great battle stands a warrior looking for the nearest exit. He tugs at his helmet as the sweat drips down his chin and soaks his chest. His armor is heavy and his fear heavier. He knows that someone will die today. Will it be him? He stands at the ready, spear in position and shield in place. He faces his enemy and prays with every ounce of his strength, “Dear God, please do not let my death be in vain!”

I’ve had to reposition my armor lately because frankly, it’s getting  uncomfortable. The war I’m engaged in is intense. I am weary, battle scarred, and discouraged. If I die tomorrow will the choices I have made in this life bring any glory to God in the next? I can only hope and pray.

Perhaps the secret to fighting well is not so much in wearing the armor or standing on the front lines. Maybe it’s all about choosing to rise and forcing oneself to stand upright when surrender seems more appealing. Armor is certainly important and battles cannot be won without facing the opponent. Before victory can be achieved perhaps the warrior just needs to believe his legs are functional and will carry him where he needs to go. Maybe all I have to do is believe I can…

Photo by Eric James Photography

Of Suffering and Such

If it takes me all stinking day I am going to write something, anything...I will not stare at a blank screen today... 


I suppose I could stand to listen to my own advice as posted here. Failure can be a good thing. It forces us to be real with ourselves and the world around us. Speaking of which, if you've been following me during the last month you may have noticed that my Project Kindness got scrapped. I gave up after a week but only because I realized how daunting the whole thing really was. I can't realistically make myself go out of my way to do something nice for someone 365 days out of the year. It was a great idea in theory but I'm going to be honest. Chronic pain makes it hard to do a lot of stuff. As I move on from that brief, though well-intended hiccup, I learned two things. I don't have to be Superwoman to show the world I care and the fact that I'm aware of others and making the conscious effort says enough on its own. Case closed and moving on. Today I'm working on another less grandiose achievement.


You know that feeling you get when the world around you seems to move so fast that you get dizzy? Things move at lightning speed and you're left exhausted, a little sick, and ready to just...stop. As in stop this ride, I want to get off right now. Yeah, that's me. Can I please have five seconds to gather my strength and breathe a little? Two weeks ago I woke up in excruciating pain...again. Endometriosis is a cruel and hateful disease, caring little if you're still paying off the last four surgeries and going through menopause in your 30s. All it knows is destruction. So I spent the next week fighting with my body. Then I got really depressed. Then I found out that a family member I dearly love is fighting cancer. Then I started having recurring nightmares again. Then I decided to sit down and write about it all and ended up staring at a blank screen. And getting more depressed. It's been a long month but guess what? I finally have good news!

Today I decided that I'm not going to stare at a blank screen anymore. I'm going to push past the failure, defeat, and depression and call it like it is. I am not a quitter (most of the time) and I refuse to give up. I read a blog yesterday that really got under my skin. The author asked the question- "Why must we go through these horrible events and situations in our lives? Why?" I was very blunt in my response. "What keeps me going is hope. I have a living hope in something (Someone) I can't see but feel is as real to me as the pain I am experiencing as we speak. I know it's all temporary and some day I will be free...Why do we go through this hell? I believe it's so that we will turn to God. In anger, sadness, comfort or simply to yell at him, I believe he just wants to hear our voice..."

Bad things happen so that we will turn to God...and find our freedom in his restraints. In 1 Corinthians 5:7, Paul urges us to purge out the old leaven so that we may become new. Perhaps another reason bad things happen is so that we may be cleansed- cleansed from toxic thoughts and behaviors that hinder us from truly pressing forward toward the mark of Christ. Our greatest joys and triumphs are a direct result of our greatest pain and suffering. Nothing valuable is achieved without hard work and anything worth having is worth suffering for. That's just the way it is. 

Today I'm celebrating a small victory. My screen isn't blank anymore. 

2011 Recap

Dear Friends and Family,

At the close of every year I like to look back and reflect on lessons learned and revelations discovered about the last 12 months. 2011 turned out to be quite eventful and jam-packed full of new discoveries and experiences. I’m happy to say that I grew both as a Christian and as a person. My loved ones ran alongside me and did their best to help me stay humble and happy. Aside from discovering that it takes about nine months for a bad haircut to grow out, here some other details you might have missed…

We kicked off the New Year with a bowl of dog food and a tragedy. Angelina discovered that dog food doesn’t go with cereal the same way that reality tv doesn’t go with the Disney channel. There are some things that humans just are not supposed to consume. Zach came to the painful awareness that nobody is immune to depression and even his peers have the power to make drastic, tragic choices when life becomes too challenging.

Spring was filled with recurring nightmares, a lesson in forgiveness, and the stark reality that my hemlines were causing heartburn. I discovered that hackers do exist and that online shopping is a big no-no in our house from now on. I learned that anger cannot be treated unless it’s cut out at the root and there is no deed so big that it cannot be forgiven by the grace of God. Oh and here’s a friendly reminder in case you happen to ever get in this situation. When someone asks you to lower your hemline, they’re really not being mean. They’re simply tired of looking at your underwear in church. 

My summer depression was relatively mild this year although I did have long stretches where I couldn’t write anything at all. During this time I learned that contentment is a choice, there are no coincidences, and when the bank says they’re working with you what they really mean is that you should start packing because they’re going to take your house. I celebrated my birthday in a new home (after only a week of searching and packing) and discovered that despite my best efforts, God still won’t fit into any of the pretty boxes I designed for him. He is the master of the impossible and peace is his way of telling me that the problem has already been solved.

Fall paved the way for new friendships, new beginnings, and new awakenings. I celebrated my tenth wedding anniversary without the fluffy white dress but it was a great party anyway. I got beautiful pictures thanks to my talented new friend, Eric Leffler. As a result of his efforts my passion for writing was reawakened. We’re still waiting to hear back from the editors, by the way. Angelina learned where babies come from while I became the first of my friends to reach that milestone. Although I appreciate that I get to be the genius everyone runs to for advice now, I totally get why mom made me wait until I was 13 to tell me the truth about Santa. There is a limit to how much trauma a parent should be allowed to inflict on herself.

My baby sister helped me understand that there is a hero inside all of us and that people are responding to our efforts to do good even if they are not saying a single word. She convinced me to write a book but I unconvinced myself when I looked at the facts. I’m just not ready to take that step yet but the ground work has been laid. I’m surrounded by people who love and support me and I’m continuing to learn about what it takes to be a great writer.

The holiday season was the most memorable I’ve ever had. Our Thanksgiving table was accompanied by two ex-convicts who have done hard time in prison for murder. It was such an honor having them there and hearing about how God had changed them from the inside out. If redemption had a face I’m pretty sure it would look like those two. Listening to Bill talk reminded me of my own first Thanksgiving outside of my own “prison”. Although we have nothing in common, I felt connected to him because I know how it feels to sit among total strangers and feel more love than you know what to do with. I wanted to bottle that moment and keep it with me forever. (Too bad Eric wasn’t there to capture it)

For the first time in ten years we left the snow chains in the car and stayed home for Christmas. I discovered that I rock in the kitchen and that cooking for 12 people is easier than I thought. My turkey is good enough to feed the Pope or even George Clooney. Just don’t ask me to make pumpkin pie. That record is about 50/50 at the moment.

Before we close out another year, here are some of my most recent revelations-

·         When sponsoring a woman working her steps, make sure you’re guarded and prayed up because you will get hurt.

·         Always practice before Sunday morning. Always.

·         Nothing is more haunting than blue lights on a track field and cancer survivors are among the bravest people in the world.

·         Do what you’re good at and do it often. Don’t waste time on stupid stuff that doesn’t matter or won’t help change the world, even in a small way. Life is too short to dwell on past mistakes and failures but it gets really tedious when you’re not living up to your full potential.

·         Never cut your hair off right before summer. Just say no.

Happy New Year and God bless you abundantly in 2012! I love you all!

Just For Today

Luke 1:68-79

Today I will shut down the internet and the cell phone and the tv. I will turn off the music and the thoughts in my head. I will not think about all the work I have to do or have already done. I will not think about me at all. I will worship you because you are worthy. I will lay aside every distraction and every hindrance and focus on you. Sin will not be my master. Temptation will not be my master. I will not be my master. You are God and today I am allowing you that right. You are holy, you are worthy and you are awesome. Today I am allowing you to be all of those things in their entirety. Be the God I have invited into my heart. Be my Lord today and always.

Photo courtesy of Eric James Photography

So Many Books, So Little Time!

Oh, I am so excited! I just got my hands on three great books and I can't wait to get reading! Even better-two out of three were written by friends of mine! I'm surrounded by greatness and I have the autographs to prove it! If you're looking for something new to read, might I suggest any one of these treasures? I happen to know that the writing is as stellar as the authors themselves.

First up is Her Safari, written by my friend, Lisa Mikitarian. Lisa has crafted a collection of short stories so inspiring and amusing that it's hard to put this book down. Her Safari chronicles the lives of several different women in various stages of life. Written with humor and common sense, this is a wonderful book to read while you're in the waiting room at the doctor's office. By the time your name is called you'll be smiling and willing to forgive the dingaling who made you wait.

Next is The Mountains Bow Down by Sibella Giorello. I was inspired to read this book after checking out my friend, Tim George's review on his blog. It's the story of FBI agent Raleigh Harmon working to solve a murder aboard a cruise ship headed to Alaska. Family drama and even a bit of romance add to the mix, making this one worth checking out. Read it and let me know what you think!


Lastly, we have Mind Over Madi, written by my sweet friend, Lynda Schab. This is chick-lit in its purest, most glorious form. Madi is a wife and mother who suspects her husband is cheating. She learns a few things about life, love, and how to be the princess God created her to be. First in a three book series, this debut novel is sure to be a best seller in no time!

If you've read any of these books, make sure you stop by the author's websites and leave them a comment letting them know how much you loved them. Or you can leave a comment here and I'll be happy to pass on the message. Happy reading!

Five Minute Challenge

At the suggestion of Allison over at Beautiful in Him, I’m taking her challenge. For five minutes I’m going to take the topic “unexpected” and write unedited (I know you’ll appreciate this, Kristina!) and unscripted. Ok, here goes!

Go!

Unexpected

She was sitting by herself on the bleachers watching her daughter cheer. We ambled into easy conversation about how we ended up at this particular spot on this particular day. I moved to town when I was a teenager, by my own choice I might add. I wanted to escape the way of life I had always known. Yes, I often wonder if I made the right choice, but no, I don’t regret it. I’m here and I’m happy. Best of all, I am at peace. I could tell I hit a soft spot. Her eyes welled up and she asked me if we could get together some time. I told her that would be wonderful. “My friends just don’t understand. I can’t really talk to them about this issue because they just don’t get it.” Sister, I do get it because I’ve been there. Call me any time. I never say no to friends. We exchanged phone numbers and somehow I knew in my spirit that God had just done something amazing.  

Stop!

Ok, now it's your turn. Write for five minutes and I dare you not to edit. Link back here and tell others to take the challenge. Leave a comment for the person who linked before you. Have fun!

It's Not Easy Being Green

Instead of God’s still, small voice I wish I could hear Yoda sometimes. “Going the wrong way, you are! Turn back, you must!” I think my life would be much easier simply because the voice is so conspicuous. You can’t disobey Yoda! If you actually have the audacity to ignore his wisdom you run the risk of disappointing him. Can you imagine how deprived the world would be if Miss Piggy told Kermit to get lost? Never cross the green guy! I am convinced that little green guys have all the power. Well, almost all the power.

Several truths about myself have been revealed to me lately. One is that while I may think I don’t say much, quite the opposite is true and it’s time to embrace that fact. I am not the shy, voiceless child I once was. This is especially true if I happen to like you, even a little bit. Whether the words are written or spoken, I have the propensity to become like that annoying leaky faucet. No matter how many times you turn that handle, the drips are going to keep coming until you either fix the thing or find another room to hide in.

Another truth I have come to accept is that my words still have the power to be brutal. I honestly thought after so many years of growing and changing that I would be past this point in my life. Yet here I am again, apologizing for wounding another innocent victim. I have sought forgiveness and now it’s in God’s hands. The thing is I wish I could continue to lie to myself. I wish I could make myself believe that I don’t have the power to do such massive damage, that I’m not capable of the kind of carnage I have created. Yet I am once again on my face in repentance. Yes, I did it. I crossed the green guy.

“I’m sorry” is an empty sentiment when real damage has occurred. At some point all of us get sick of hearing it if the words are not backed up with action. While Jesus did say that we need to forgive our neighbor seventy times seven, he also told the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more. Go and sin no more. Stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing to cause so much damage to yourself and others. Stop. Doing. It.

If my words are weapons, I am laying them down. I am throwing in the white towel and surrendering, offering myself freely to be judged or punished. I deserve death. While my debt has already been paid for by Jesus on the cross, I know I’ve got some unfinished business here. I am ready and I am not afraid. I will accept the consequences for my actions and I will move forward with the grace that God gave me. I will replace the broken washer on my leaky faucet mouth and learn from this. I will be better tomorrow. I promise.