I suppose I could stand to listen to my own advice as posted here. Failure can be a good thing. It forces us to be real with ourselves and the world around us. Speaking of which, if you've been following me during the last month you may have noticed that my Project Kindness got scrapped. I gave up after a week but only because I realized how daunting the whole thing really was. I can't realistically make myself go out of my way to do something nice for someone 365 days out of the year. It was a great idea in theory but I'm going to be honest. Chronic pain makes it hard to do a lot of stuff. As I move on from that brief, though well-intended hiccup, I learned two things. I don't have to be Superwoman to show the world I care and the fact that I'm aware of others and making the conscious effort says enough on its own. Case closed and moving on. Today I'm working on another less grandiose achievement.
You know that feeling you get when the world around you seems to move so fast that you get dizzy? Things move at lightning speed and you're left exhausted, a little sick, and ready to just...stop. As in stop this ride, I want to get off right now. Yeah, that's me. Can I please have five seconds to gather my strength and breathe a little? Two weeks ago I woke up in excruciating pain...again. Endometriosis is a cruel and hateful disease, caring little if you're still paying off the last four surgeries and going through menopause in your 30s. All it knows is destruction. So I spent the next week fighting with my body. Then I got really depressed. Then I found out that a family member I dearly love is fighting cancer. Then I started having recurring nightmares again. Then I decided to sit down and write about it all and ended up staring at a blank screen. And getting more depressed. It's been a long month but guess what? I finally have good news!
Today I decided that I'm not going to stare at a blank screen anymore. I'm going to push past the failure, defeat, and depression and call it like it is. I am not a quitter (most of the time) and I refuse to give up. I read a blog yesterday that really got under my skin. The author asked the question- "Why must we go through these horrible events and situations in our lives? Why?" I was very blunt in my response. "What keeps me going is hope. I have a living hope in something (Someone) I can't see but feel is as real to me as the pain I am experiencing as we speak. I know it's all temporary and some day I will be free...Why do we go through this hell? I believe it's so that we will turn to God. In anger, sadness, comfort or simply to yell at him, I believe he just wants to hear our voice..."
Bad things happen so that we will turn to God...and find our freedom in his restraints. In 1 Corinthians 5:7, Paul urges us to purge out the old leaven so that we may become new. Perhaps another reason bad things happen is so that we may be cleansed- cleansed from toxic thoughts and behaviors that hinder us from truly pressing forward toward the mark of Christ. Our greatest joys and triumphs are a direct result of our greatest pain and suffering. Nothing valuable is achieved without hard work and anything worth having is worth suffering for. That's just the way it is.
Today I'm celebrating a small victory. My screen isn't blank anymore.
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